The Secret to Making a Relationship Work...

I've figured it out! How to make a relationship work and last, that is. I've been married almost an entire year now so I think I'm qualified to call myself an expert, don't you? Well, truth is that if I hadn't figured this out (or, more accurately, been informed via our therapist over the years), we would never have stayed together & gotten married in the first place.

So what's the big secret? Sex that drives him wild? Having a home cooked meal ready for him when he gets home every night? Liking all the same things? I used to think so.

Although these things may attract a guy to us initially, none of them will hold his interest indefinitely. You heard John Mayer...sex with Jessica Simpson was like "sexual Napalm" but it STILL didn't keep him around. If that can't keep a guy, cooking and sharing hobbies surely won't.

Strangely enough the answer to the relationship mystery is this in it's purest and simplest form: HONESTY.

"Honesty?" you question.

Yes. Crazy, right? But I'm not talking about run-of-the-mill honesty. Without realizing it, most of us only speak in Tiers of honesty. For example, we may tell an acquaintance that she has spinach in her teeth (Tier I) but we would never tell her that she comes across as needy and desperate on her match.com profile (Tier III).

Or maybe we'd tell our partners that it drives us crazy when they______ (leave their dirty clothes on the floor or scratch their balls) or even that they hurt our feelings when they did_______ (like flirted with my best friend at a party) (both Tier II), but couldn't even contemplate telling them "You know, when you act that way I find myself feeling completely turned off by you, which scares me because it makes me wonder if I'll ever be attracted to you again."(Tier III again)

So, what happens when we keep Tier III thoughts to ourselves? We end up Acting Out how we feel instead of saying it. Like by being distant, giving him the cold shoulder, yelling at him for some small thing that doesn't really bother us (but feels safer to acknowledge than the real issue, like Jennifer Connelly's character in He's Just Not That Into You when she finds out her man is smoking) or becoming jealous, clingy or needy.

Why do many of us keep Tier III honesty all to ourselves? It's that either we:
1) Don't want to hurt his feelings or make him feel emasculated or
2) We are afraid he will think we are mean or vengeful or crazy (because we don't trust our feelings) and that he'll then leave us.

But, in reality, keeping Tier III info from him ends up hurting him anyway (by our actions) and he ends up backing off as a result. And, more importantly, it hurts you because you have the pressure of pretending you're in love with someone when you actually want to rip his face off (no, of course, I'VE never had those contradictory feelings because I'm an angel from heaven whom only thinks good, loving thoughts and would NEVER get angry enough to want to rip anyone's body part off! I got this analogy from...um...a friend. Yes! A friend!).

Bottom line is this: If we're thinking it or feeling it, there's a reason. That reason may or may not have anything to do with our partner, but when we aren't honest about how we're feeling, we'll end up acting it out anyway and then the relationship has no chance at all. Am I making sense?

So, next time you're feeling something and tempted to shove those feelings down into your barrel of unexpressed emotions, DON'T. It doesn't mean that he's responsible for your feelings or that he is to blame. REMEMBER...We all have a past and sometimes forget that the person we're with now isn't the same as a previous partner (like one who was abusive or controlling or otherwise an asswipe). So, just say how you're feeling, WITHOUT BLAMING, and go from there. Maybe you can figure out why you're feeling that way together.