On Being Pretty....

It took me awhile to post this blog because it's one that makes me squirm. That and I don't have it wrapped up in a nice bow with a perfect ending.

I'm talking about feeling the pressure to be beautiful (on the outside) and how it can effect feelings of self-worth. I don't like opening up about this because it's something I feel I should be over by now (yes, I'm judging myself) and it makes me feel like I'm a weak woman for still struggling with it.

Here's how I learned that being beautiful was more important than anything:
I grew up the middle child, which meant for me that adults were always either fawning over how "adorable" my little sister was or how "pretty and mature" my older sister was. This made me think being cute was the most important thing because that's what all the adults commented on. And being left out of the praise made my little brain think they were saying I was ugly. Of course, now I realize it was just a part of being the middle child but I didn't know that then.

And I looked different than both of my sisters. They were brunette and exotic looking with sharp features and perfect teeth. I, however, had dirty blonde/brown hair, buck teeth and and felt like a Plain Jane. On top of that, I was clumsy, awkward, insecure, had big, thick glasses and was constantly wiping my nose (from the palm up my forearm) because of allergies.

People always were telling me how incredibly beautiful my sisters were as I got older, and they treated them as if they were special because of it. They would usually then turn to me and say, suddenly aware they had left me out, "I mean, you're pretty, too. But, they're REALLY pretty." (Yes...I was actually told this more than once.)

To top it all off, my father, whom I should remind you is a therapist, referred to each of his daughters by the trait he saw most fitting. "She's the pretty one. You're the smart one. And she's the nice one." What I heard when he said this wasn't that I was intelligent, rather I heard that I wasn't attractive (or nice for that matter) and that I was, therefore, WORTHLESS.

What I wish I could say now was that I'm over needing to be seen as pretty. And that I could see these messages I received during childhood as being from either well-intentioned but ignorant people or just assholes. Well, I could say it. It just wouldn't be true.

Like so many other issues from childhood, it's deeply ingrained in me to care how people see me. For instance, I just gained several pounds because I can eat cheese and other dairy products for the first time in years so I've gone a little over board (wouldn't you? Think pizza! ice cream! cream cheese! ALL cheese!) And, even though I intellectually know that I'm not overweight but more like, as my grandma says, "healthy," I still can't help but feel ugly. And I get so frustrated that feeling that way effects how I feel about myself.

I feel like I would tell any woman out there (and I believe it!) to learn to love herself and know she is valuable no matter what she looks like. I just want to get to the place where I can honor my own advice and believe it for myself. I think I just have to keep reminding myself of what's true.

I'm also open to suggestions!

Here's a video of my song "Pretty Girl"... I wrote it several years ago (and yes, I'm acting as the Pretty Girl in the video but no, I did not write the song about myself;) when I was feeling the same anger about the struggle to need to feel beautiful.