Entrapment, Ultimatums & Violet Beauregarde

I was sitting at a coffee shop the other day and overheard the craziest thing...A young woman was telling her friend that she was happy about being pregnant because "I was hoping to trap him" (I assume she means her boyfriend.)

The thought of trapping a guy with a pregnancy (fake or real) is appalling to many of us. Like Joan Cusack (regarding her brother's infidelity) in High Fidelity, we are "SHOCKED" at the thought. We say things like, "That is SO wrong," "I would NEVER do something like that," and "What a crazy bi'otch!" if asked our opinion on the matter. Reason being, a woman who does this is essentially saying, "This is what I want and I don't care if you want it too or not. You're going to give it to me."

This brought me to another thought...While we're busy judging the hussies for their moral impurity (that's right, I said hussies!;), aren't there other ways that we who claim to be above that behavior try and manipulate the significant other in our lives in order to make him or her ours? Is this not also Entrapment?

I'm talking about ultimatums. When a gal says to a guy (or a guy to a guy or gal to gal), "I'm giving you an ultimatum. Either we're (desired outcome here...like getting married or moving in together) or we're through," Is she/he not also declaring the absence of concern for their partner's wishes and that her desires are more important than anyone's, including his?

This time, however, like with a child who is threatened that he will have a toy taken away unless he behaves in a certain way, she's using herself as the prized possession.

But why the rush? I'll tell you why...It's like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. She had what every kid in the world would have easily given their younger brother or sister for: a Golden Ticket. There she was, in a real life Candy Land. This gum-chewing lover had as much gum or any other sweet available at her fingertips than she could ever have dreamed of.

And what happened? She wanted more! She snagged the 3-course meal gum and, well, we all know what happened at dessert time.

What she thought would be eternal bliss (or at least a tween's idea of such) turned out to be a catastrophe and didn't give her what she wanted at all.

And that's what we who put ultimatums on our partners are doing...we think that this one next thing is what we need to make us happy. So we push, coerce and threaten to get what we want. And we knock down anyone who gets in our way.

But, even if we "win," are we really winning? If so, what's the prize? In my estimation, it's a partner who, like a POW while being held captive, is there but only there because he HAS to be, not because he WANTS to be, and is planning his escape from Day 1. And, let's get honest...Is that REALLY what we want?

I think what we really want is to feel wanted, loved and respected by a partner who also WANTS to be with us. It took me a long time to realize that, while I may be able to force or manipulate my way into a relationship, I can't MAKE that person WANT to be with me.

DAMNIT!! It would be so much easier if everyone would just do and feel exactly WHAT I WANTED THEM TO!!!!